KLONDIKE'S COUCH

Guitarist Chris "Klondike" Masuak answers your questions about life, love and the universe. Got a problem? Welcome to Klondike's Couch. Send the oracle a question. No liability accepted and no correspondence entered into (unless he feels like it). Indicate if you'd like your real name withheld. Your answers will appear in due course.

Hi Chris,

Nice to have seen you in a great shape, like everyone else of Radio Birdman guys, at the Live Club Music in Trezzo Italy the 29th of september 2006. No surprise at all, as it was to know that you are a naturopath, is that correct ? What do you think about using mushies Did you ever tried? Let me know.

Take care

Giovanni (from Italy)

Dear Giovanni,

Indeed, as well as being a Rock God (it said so in the Daily Telegraph so it must be true...the press doesn't lie) I am a Naturopath. I am also a Dad so by extension I Know Everything.

We in Radio Birdman have a rigorous health regime which consists primarily of getting up after much too little sleep, sitting for long hours in uncomfortable airline or bus seats, and pacing aimlessly.

Thank you for your question about the therapeutic benefits of mushrooms. It's well known that traditional practices include the use of the psychoactive effects of mushrooms to alter consciousness and attempt spiritual insights. These substances promote of course, total delusion.

Sufis seem to accomplish where mushrooms fail through the practices of prayer, fasting, study, and devotion. Sadly, most people would be happy enough with the illusion of spiritual insight.

Aleister Crowley seems to have had a particular passion for mushrooms and has included many a drool inducing passage including the following...

"The wind was somewhat taken out of his sails by the appearance of Simon Iff at dinner in full evening dress. He had ordered the meal, moreover: Oysters, clear green turtle, pompano en papillote, mallard duck au sang with coeur de palmier salad, bavaroise au chocolat, and a savoury invented by himself consisting of Toast Melba spread with mushrooms, anchovies, olives and pimento made into a paste. This was covered with bay-leaves, on which was spread a mixture of caviar, raw onions, ginseng, and Bombay Duck, sprinkled lightly with powdered hashish."

"The wine list was equally elaborate. Cocktails consisting of two teasepoonfuls of liqueur brandy, one of Curacoa, and one of laudanum preceded the repast. With the oysters he caused Chablis to be served, with the soup Tokay, with the fish Chateau Yquem. The duck was accompanied by Mumm Cordon Rouge 1904. The sweet was enriched by a marvelous sauce with a basis of Creme de Cacao, and the savoury fortified with an astonishingly fine Burgundy of incomparable body and bouquet. The coffee was Turkish, prepared by Simon himself at the table, and perfected by the addition of an aromatic consisting of essential oil of cedar-wood and ambergris."

Yum!

The apotheosis of mushroom tossery can be found via a group based in Vancouver's Marijuana Party Bookstore. Their "Entheogenesis" organisation brims with esoteric wisdom, expounding hitherto arcane and hidden knowledge on all that's ingestibly psychogenic. You'll get a lot from them, you betcha!

I'm a bit averse to death at this particular moment so I source my 'rooms through the local greengrocer, toss them in bread crumbs, and pan fry them with garlic, shallots, and butter. Served with canard in a green peppercorn sauce and a bitter green salad the total effect is more than a pleasing state of consciousness.

Klondike

Klondike Hodja,

When are you and the boys going to drop by Istanbul for a concert? Congrats on the tour it sounds like you've had a great one judging by the reviews.

Ramadan mubarak osun.

John

As salaamu alaikum John,

Why don´t we get your Shaykh to talk to our Shaykh to discuss the possiblility of such a Dhikr gathering, insh´Allah. Given the musical tastes of the region I suspect the tour would be more along the lines of me and my douf.

Wa salaam,

Klondike

Klondike,

How many Marshalls have you put on the scrap heap so far? Should have used those Fenders of yours.

Red

Red old sock,

Never, ever buy anything from Otobahn music in Montreal! Having said that, after we finally got my Super Bass fixed in Detroit (on Labour Day no less!) the thing be crankin'. And Deniz has been settling in on a JCM 800 (that I refused to play, go figure) and a brand new Hiwatt. Very cool.

Factoring in the Australian and early US leg between the 2 of us I figure we've discarded 8 to 10 Marshalls. And a couple of Mesa Dual Rectifiers.

If we were way rich I'd be buying a Fender in every port. It's a bit hard to get that stuff on hire in Thessalonaki or Helsinki so it's crap Marshalls all the way. And don't get me going about the power supplies in Western Australia or Germany...

Fender forever.

Ramadan Mubarak.

Maz

Hey Klondike,

Just a word of thanks. That was my son, Sean, up in front at the Philly show. He was by far the youngest guy at the show. He plays guitar (and does a nottoo bad version of Aloha Steve and Danno, I might add) and had never been so close to a guitarist at a concert as he was that night to you and your pedals. Then at the close of the first set, he reached up, shook your hand, and when you held on a little longer than most to give him a big nod and a smile, hethought that was about the coolest thing that ever happened to him.

So thanks, man. It was much appreciated.

Steve Kirsch

No worries Steve,

I remember how cool all that guitar stuff was to me when I was a kid (actually, I can still spend hours in the guitar shops despite the surly turds that usually hover around preventing you from touching the guitars) and being a Dad myself always try to acknowledge and encourage the young 'uns when they can get into the shows. It was great seeing father and son at the gig...I'm glad you had a good time and enjoyed talking to you.

Yer pal,

Klondike

Dear Klondike,

Every time I hear Birdman play i think 'this has got to be the world's best ever beer-drinking music' and therefore help myself. After several tubes however, my recently suppressed smoking habit rears up and I get the irrepresible urge to light up a cancer stick. Would it be possible for you to incorporate subliminal non-smoking messages in your next album? I appreciated the non-smoking venue at Caringbah where it was go without smokes or go without music. Canberra was too hard though, where you could even play pool and smoke whilst still getting pretty good volume levels.

Pat

Pat,

Psychological methods should never be meddled with. For instance, you could imagine the potential dmage one could cause applying Freudian methodology to an unsuccessful person with an infantile need for self assertion or Adlerian methods to a person whose motives can be explained in terms of the pleasure principle.

No, let's not open that can of worms.

Just get over it.

Klondike

Chris,

Which Blue Oyster Cult songs were covered by The Hitmen? I was trying to remember this for the BOC FAQ page. Zeno Beach is awesome, byt the way. I'm amazed it sounds so raw and retro like it should.

Luv youse all,
Warren

Hey Warren,

Glad you like the Birdman album! As a matter of fact, Deniz and I were just jamming on "Cities on Flame" at the Corner Hotel in Melbourne. As a consequence he infected me with his amp problems so it was my turn for equipment failure that night. All that crap's over with now, insh'Allah.

The Hitmen did a heap of BOC...

Godzilla (we never even rehearsed it...just sang our parts on the way to the gig)
Cities on Flame With Rock n Rol
Before the Kiss, A Redcap
The Red & The Black
Career of Evil
Don't Fear The Reaper

Look out for the big Hitmen release on Shock. There'll be a stack of live and rare tracks on it, including BOC.

Love you too,

Klondike

Hey Chris,

Just saw the Hitmen clip on Countdown 79 on mytube. Didn't realise that you played an Epiphone Crestwood as well. Not a Deluxe but a Crestwood for sure. What happened to it??

Cheers,

Greg
Morlaix, France

Hey Greg,

Countdown? Sorry about that. And with Mark Kingsmill deadpan, miming the part that Ron Keeley played.

That Crestwood was brilliant but just couldn't handle the Hitmen touring schedule. The neck kept falling off, especially in the Queensland heat. I gave up trying to find someone who could fix it, took the pickups out, and dropped them into a 1973 Gibson Deluxe. Now that was was a contender for the best guitar I ever had, and with the Epiphone pickups really sang. (You can hear it on the Hitmen's first album. Sadly, while we were on the Steppenwolf tour the crew left it on the floor of the van where the neck heated up, twisted and warped. Totally buggered!)

It turns out Kent Steedman bought the Crestwood (with Deluxe pickups) which he played for many years. By then I suppose the guitar repair business was a bit less dodgy.

See ya on the road,

Klondike

Klondike,

Do you believe in that New Age mumbo jumbo about psycho/spiritual causes to most all disease?

I have recently come down with a very bad blast of hemorrhoids...this has occurred at such a time where I have been emotionally involved and perhaps made some poor judgment calls (according to others) with a woman...most (sic) my friends warn meis" NOT A very good Idea", "Nasty" and other negatives.

I think it could be possible MOSSAD has put some toilet paper impregnated with some bad toxin. You see, I know about the vast international Zionist conspiricy (sic) and they know i know.

Anonymous

Dear Conspiracy Theorist,

A discussion about assholes requires Serious Dissertation.

First, the New Age as a broad term is simply emotional hysteria. It's best not to be concerned with such nonsense, well meaning as it may be. However, there is indeed an Hierarchy of Creation in which there exists the known world of our human creation and the unseen (and generally, unknown) world of the heavens.

To cut a long story short, only humans have the capacity for reason (sometimes called free will). Even so, humans occupy a relatively low point in the hierarchy and there are many levels that cannot be reached with the physical body.

Our objective in life is to ascend the hierarchy...we are simply travellers. The journey is long and difficult but is punctuated with signposts for those who care to see. These signposts are the Stations of the Soul. Each Station has its own very particular characteristics including the state of mind and body of the traveller. The higher one rises, the more one is tested. This rarely happens.

For the most part, most remain in the Station of Egotism. This is the inevitable first stop in life, but it is hoped that the faculties of judgement and reason will develop and so help to grow the soul out of this lowest state. Of course, most never depart this station, always demanding, always looking for satiety, always completely "asleep".

In this state we see the range of emotional and physical diseases we refer to as chronic and degenerative, indicating that the soul has remained too long in this lowest station. We can see this as failure to exercise control over the appetites.

Your only hope, Dear CT (or may I call you "Butt Boy") is to train and discipline your ego and its drives, develop willpower, responsibility, and other virtues.

Haemorrhoids occur in several species. Some have many roots. Some occur because of corruption of the blood humour (with the common symptoms of itching and pain). Others represent an imbalance of the yellow bile humour. Commonly, thickened blood humour is the culprit. This can be amended by cupping on the inside of the buttocks, softening the stomach, and adjusting the blood humour. The latter is too gross a process to discuss on this forum and should be left only to legitimate Tibbs/Unani practitioners.

In the meantime, grind equal parts marshmallow root and dill, put the herbs in a sterile bag, wet with water, and apply it to the required area for half an hour at a time.

Know also that Mossad relies on people remaining in this lowest state and also know that if you have been flagged, you're rooted. I tend to think that you've been straining at the stool or contravening the appropriate use of the orifice in question.

I can do nothing about your grammar and spelling.


Klondike

Dear Klondike,

I've never heard any of your music ... I never even knew the name of your band until you emailed. Would it be too hopeful/stupid of me to request a loan copy be placed in my pigeonhole at work? If I still have a pigeon hole that is .. if bosswoman hasn't decided to sack me this week...Her burden being great at this sad time.

Thanks friend,

ep

Dear ep,

This question deserves a comprehensive answer as it concerns the "etiquettes of asking", or sawal.

Begging is the turning away from the Divine and the when you turn from Reality, The Truth may turn from you.

However, the Sacred Recitation says "Do not cause nuisance while asking" which leads many teachers to consider that there is no harm in asking as long as one does not become a nuisance and one "seeks help from the good hearted". There are therefore three consideratiions.

First, one must be relieved of the worry of not having a copy of Zeno Beach (or any one of many of the required texts) for with that worry, one's attention is distracted from The Work. Secondly, the cure to pride and way to crushing of the ego lies in humiliating one's self. Thirdly, everything belongs to The Divine and we privileged few who hold great wealth are merely keepers or custodians. He who asks the custodian because of humility is really asking the Master. So, the rules. If you get zip, you should be cheerful. Don't beg from women and the wretched. Make sure what you beg of them is lawful. Also, avoid begging to gain comfort.

The Sufis have said "It is better to beg for the sparrow's sake than for God's sake because God is too great to be slighted like that".

Back to the rules...

Your heart sounds burdened.
I've been called a slut.
I'm miserable.
I'm not sure what I do is honourable.
Ownership of Zeno is a great comfort.

Therefore, sorry.

However, if you come over to the house with some light internal embrocation we might commiserate on some of the sadness and otherwise kick the bosswoman's sorry ass all over the boneyard.

Klondike

Klondike,

I'm starting to wonder about some of my friends. They are nice enough to me, but I get the feeling they just come over to play with my toys. They usually can't wait to dig into the cupboard and pull out any one of my guitars... and it's all "what crazy pedal do you have to mess up the sound". Or can you pull the Marshall out, and turn it up loud? They end up playing on every record we make. And if that weren't bad enough, they can play much better than me.

It's just downright insulting to have that guy Den - er, I mean "my friends" - ask if I'll sell my 62 Les Paul Jr, cheap!

So my question is, what can I do about the neighbors dog shitting in my garden?

Guy Stevens

Dear Guy,

You will be familiar with the passage from the Qur'an which says "The (human) soul is certainly prone to evil". (12:53, if you want to look it up again.)

Your thoughtless friends reside in the world of the senses and are dominated by earthly desires and passions. The struggle in the early stage of your Spiritual Journey are against just such influences, the state of which in sleeping people is referred to as nafs al-ammara or "the self that commands".

It is appropriate that persons in this state are known as "being in the Animal Self", for your friends are like dogs that track the mud of their contempt through your home, dribble the spittle of their lust on your guitars, and poop on your petunias.

Shut the gate.

There is a big problem with material objects that absolutely must be addressed. The 62 Les Paul Junior must go, as a sign of your submission to the Journey. The Barman will tell you the address to send it to.

Klondike

Hey Klondike,

What's with the Marshall pedal? Sounds like a wank.

Diggedy Dog

Dear Dog,

The BBII has a two functions."Blues" is supposed to replicate an overdriven vintage Bluesbreaker. I don't worry about that unless I'm playing late at night and don't want to wake the kids. The other function is the secret weapon. "Boost" simply takes your guitar signal without altering the tone, compressing it, or adding digital hiss (like you get from an eq pedal trying to do the same thing) and rams it into the preamp stage of your amp.

It's particularly good with the Fender stuff as you retain all that valuable Fender tone but can dial in a fatter, fluid drive that you can still push around for guitar breaks, if you know what I mean. And because it's not a hip pedal, they're cheap.

Marshalls are great, too. But I love fighting with Fenders and would use it all the time if I was allowed. In any case, in Birdman what you're hearing is mostly just guitar into a hard working amp. Pedals are just for fun. And all guitarists are wankers.

Klondike

Hi Klondike,

I am in full training for the upcoming tour. This basically means high-rotation Birdman CDs at ridiculous volume at any opportunity in my car. My nine-year-old son seems to be enjoying this immensely. He currently cannot decide whether "Descent Into The Maelstrom" or "Hand of Law" is his favourite song. He knows that I-94 contains a strange word: Klondike.

Do you consider that this type of parenting will ensure higher cognitive abilities for my son and maximise his achievement potential in his senior and tertiary schooling? Or is he never gonna be the same, because he's gonna be re-arranged?

Yours in anticipation,

Charles Shaar Murray
(real name withheld)

Dear Mr Murray,

The qualities of the completed child are the qualities of his Master and Teacher. The qualities of the Master and Teacher are the qualities found in the Sacred Connection. Because of your Spiritual Attainments your son has every possibility of himself becoming salikun, a "traveller" on the Path. (He's totally screwed as far as school goes, though.)

Ahh, to understand those invisible things through the correspondences in the visible world...to swim from the shore of this world to the further shore, to take a ride on the ocean, start swimming out...

Klondike

Dear Klondike,

While watching NHL highlights on CBC while eating a bowl of fries and mayo, is it better to wash this down with a half case of Labatt's Blue, or Molsen's Golden?

Your Friend,

Anne Murray

Dear Anne,

I dreamt about you the other night. You were old and terribly wrinkled. The camera of my dream slowly zoomed in on the deep creases around your lips and I thought to myself, "that could only come from smoking". I thought you had a horrible black mottle over your face but realised that I could see right through you and was seeing the pitted earth behind you. You still sang very well, I have to say.

Rumi said...

"In this market place of
"Occult medicine sellers
"Do not run hither and thither
"From shop to shop
"But rather sit at the booth
"Of the one who has the real remedy to give."

God, I miss Hockey Night in Canada, but at least on the West Coast (i.e. The Real Canada) we ate our fries with ketchup. Heinz, of course. And what's this half case crap?

Klondike

Dear Klondike,

A few questions:

1. Who would win in a wrestling match between Handsome Dick Manitoba and Mario Milano?
2. Is wrestling for real (this from my young crustacean son)?
3. Is HDM your favourite wrestler?
4. In ten words or less can you tell me the meaning of life?

Smashed Crab
Second Fish Tank on the Left
In your favourite Yum Cha joint

Dear Crab,

Again, I quote Rumi:

"Since many men have
"The inwardness of Shaitan
"Should one hail
"Everyone as a saint?
"When your Inward Eye
"Is opened
"The Real Master
"Can then be perceived."

If you have learnt anything you should know that it is folly to run between two wells, like a thirsty dog which dies not of thirst but of exhaustion.

We, who call ourselves "The Seekers of Truth", cleave to one master as you well know. He has told us of his powers and we have no reason to doubt his veracity. If it is Real to you, it is Real.

In ten words or less?

"Cars, girls, surfin', beer
Nothin' else matters here."

Or...
"La ilaha ilallah Muhammadur rasulullah."

You choose.

Klondike

Klondike,

You shifted from drums to guitar in Vindicator Electro soon after Le Marquis de Cisteaux tried to strangle a sexually aroused female with his mike cable at the Empire Hotel show last November. Were you all frustrated to stand remote from the action or did you wish in deep secret that he does that to YOU?

Eric

Dear Eric,

Le Marquis did indeed ultimately apply himself with violent intent against my attempted musical administrations on that very stage, from which I was ignobly hounded, never to return.

Judging from your stilted and awkward syntax I imagine that you're a mad as bugshit Frenchman hot for some Aussie Beach Bunny Judo Jams.

I require you to attend detention with KN40 at Caringbah Bizzos on Friday June 16 and at The Empire (referred to above) on Saturday July 8. Our singer will be attending and you won't have to listen to a single word from me.

Klondike

Hi Mister Klondike,

I don't trust in any gods , I don't trust in any devils, I don't trust in gold nor silver...I think that humans are beasts with a big brain and that most of them don't know what to do with it....what can you do for me except a new album with Radio Birdman? Oh...already done? Great!

Lord Krestwood

(In fact it's Roger, the guy who makes Crestwood guitars in France...but shhhhhh - and have a nice day)

Dear Lord Roger,

Your concerns (for firm denial, mistrust, and abrogation betray deep concern) have baffled the beasts with big brains since time immemorial and will continue to do so for the simple reason that the Truth cannot be comprehended by the created. I know that when you reacquaint yourself with Shaikh Muhayyudin ibn Arabi's works (especially Fusus-al-Hikam) your painful separation from Reality will be eased.

Mainly, you suffer because of the immense guilt of never having given me one of your Crestwood copies. (3 pickups, wide neck is just fine. Pale three colour sunburst.) You know what to do about that.

Klondike

Hi Chris,

Is your band North 40 still going and did you guys not record some songs years ago? In 1988 when you reformed the Hitmen there was a song called "Broken Guitars". Is this song on the new forthcoming compilation? Also a song from the early years of the Hitmen called "Almost Night". I remember this was a stand-out song from '79/80 era. Is this on the forthcoming compilation on Shock and can you shed some light on this song?

Anthony McGarry

Dear Anthony,

Klondike's North Forty recorded an album earlier this year and are looking for a rich sugar momma to finance the finishing touches (we need to fix a few vocals and remix). We hope to take the tapes to Texas and get Andy "Mort" Bradley to work his mojo. Anyone one out there want to get a pool of rich lawyers and record collectors together and donate five grand or so to a worthy cause? We'll put all of your names on the cover!

We also have a heap of demos from various incarnations between the Juke Savages and the current lineup of KN40. Some of them are great. Others, well... Once we get the "official" recording out of the way we can think about foisting all the outtakes and oddities on an unsuspecting public.

KN40 will be doing a gig at Caringbah Bizzos on Friday June 16 and at The Empire on Saturday July 8. Hopefully, our lead singer will turn up. He's much better than I am.

"Broken Guitars" was on the back of Chris Boy King and the Kamloops Swing (if my memory serves) so won't be part of the Hitmen compilation. I was looking for my own copies of the Klondike recordings the other day and couldn't find them. I suspect that the termites got 'em at my last house. Seriously, they ate through 3 or 4 boxes of albums before I found out. Bugger!

I've been getting a lot of mail about those Klondike releases. Maybe everyone should send emails to Shock and persuade them to do a package. I'll get my family to start the ball rolling. Mom's always good for that kind of thing.

"Nearly Night" was recorded as a demo but the vocals were never completed. I think that there just may be a live or lost version on the comp. It was what we used to call "a tender ballad of love and romance". Meaning that it was drippy. Gilbo used to do a wrenching solo on that one.

Thanks for the email and see you in the trenches. The Birdman tour is coming up quick and we're aching to play.

Your pal,

Klondike

Dear Klondike

Reading your little vinettes reminded me of Aesop's Fables (ie The Ass and the friendy Mutt) - alot of bullshit for a little bit of guidance. Being the guitar God of the century does not an expert make. However, that said, ply some erudition my way - should one invest 12 hours of their time travelling for 2 hours worth of divertissement or wait till a more opportune time to come. Also, will the stores be open when they get there?

Succinct in Sparks,

Mooshka

Dear Mooshka (funny, I have a smart-ass sister who can't spell either with that name),

There is no point at all in activating means of perception and communication unless one is able to keep up with the realisation of what is being said, to whom, and why. Aesop's fables contain only the meagre shadows of their original intent.

My ardent students and eager followers agree, that in addition to the formal content of my discourses, there follows a concentration of mind and focus to a place where truth is not fragmented. Shabistari reminds you that a sparkler being whirled gives the illusion of a circle of light. This of course, in the experience of my beloved acolytes, is the stage of "collection". Human beings are unable, except in short bursts, to concentrate at all!

You may like to remind yourself that being a Rock God is Simply My Hobby.

Duly chastened, you may like to consider that Romano once drove from Marseilles to Italy just for a decent cup of coffee.

Klondike

Great Oracle,
I'm a flower matron from Northern New South Wales' rainbow country. RB's tour will be "born" in my domain. It seems fitting that a "Birth Chart of the Tour" of such a momentous event should be carefully cast, to find out what heavenly orb should rule the TOUR? I need your inner wisdom and maybe consultation of those in charge of the gestational phase of this event to decide what should be the time of birth. When the doors of the Great Northern open or when RB walk on stage and drawn a collective breath?

Astrologically Perplexed

Dear AP,

There are (at least) two important and fundamental components to your question. The first is concerned with birth.

Imagine a given point in space as that primordial point where beginning and end coincide. Draw a circle around this point, that circle being composed itself of myriads of smaller circles, ringlets like a bracelet forming the belt of the goddess which represents the sphere. As the curve of the arc approaches the ultimate nadir of the grand cycle, the faces of each successive goddess becomes darker and more hideous than can be imagined by the human mind. The distance travelled by the soul between each sphere is marked by transmigrations, the soul being allowed temporary nirvana and surcease of sorrow. In this way, there is a succession of death and birth, the moral cause of which is the attachment to things and the release from which is is the release from evil desire. You can see that time and space are no obstacles to the thaumaturgist.

The second component is concerned with breath.

The central, spiritual, and Invisible sun radiates the three degrees of the gnostic Pleroma, the three faces of the acnient, holy of the aged, form without form. The first light is His soul, infinite, boundless, and immortal breath, under whose efflux the universe heaves it's mighty bosom. Truth is known to few...the rest, imagine its light blinds the eyes of their neighbor.

These are truths that cannot fail to impress earnest thinkers and I'm sure that this clearly answer your questions.

Regards,

Klondike

Dear Klondike

Recently I won a jet-ski race against my little mate, but when I raced it up onto the beach to claim the prize, my jet-ski hit a coconut and I bounced off the top of the tree and hurt my head. Now my little mate reckons he should play all the slide solos on our European tour. I am cooler than the lead singer, and handle my drugs better than anyone I've ever met. Can you tell me how I can play most of the guitar solos without hurting my little mate's feelings? Whenever he plays a guitar solo, my band sounds like his old band. He's a better painter than me, too.

Hoping you can help me out

"Mr Indestructible"
The Tax Haven Paradise

Dear Mr. Indestructible,

A selfish villager happened to pass by a magical cave just at the precise moment that it made one of its rare appearances to mankind. The villager entered, and discovering that the cave was filled with treasure, loaded himself and donkey with as much of the treasure as he could. As he left the cave he thought that he could perhaps carry just a bit more and went back inside. But the time had come for the cave to vanish and it disappeared with him inside. He was never seen again.

Two guitarists in the same band is a guaranteed recipe for disaster and is never, ever successful. Look at Aerosmith. Hell, Brad Whitford totally craps all over Joe Perry. And Ronnie has no distinguishable sound but gets by cause Keith hasn't played anything worth listening to in years. Still, who gets the glory?

But I digress...

What's the beef? You're in a band, you're cool, and you apparently have the time and money to be jet skiing. No one can stomach slide guitar solos (unless you're Johnny Winter) so your band is doomed anyway. You then blame your mate, who will be too mortally humiliated to play publicly again, and you're back in the saddle.

Trust me.

Klondike

Dear Klondike

I have been most unlucky in love.  All I want is a hot & sexy babe, 24-32-yrs old, with great taste in music, a thoroughly uninhibited approach to
life, brains, a good job and a cool car.  Some people say I am being too picky but I think those people are negative losers. I don't think my bizarre disability or criminal record should have anything to do with it.

Neville Dingleberry
Cardboard box
Under the freeway

Dear Neville,

A merchant was at the docks anticipating the arrival of his fleet which had been away for some years. A servant ran up in great distress and said to the merchant, "Oh master, you're ruined! The fleet has all sunk at sea!" The merchant simply murmured, "Al hamdulillah (Praise be to Allah)". No sooner had the servant left but another came running up in great excitement. "The reports were wrong...the ships are sailing into view!" The merchant quietly repeated, "Al hamdulillah".

Be thankful that you have a cardboard box! You'll get what you get. You'll especially get it when you stop needing or wanting it.

(For information on how to acquire the knowledge and ability do this send $5,000 to "Klondike's Kult Kapers". Or just renounce Satan and accept Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), Jesus (peace be upon him), The Buddha (whatever), or whomever turns your crank as your Lord and Master.)

Klondike